I’m a Virgo. Typically loyal. It may take me time to warm up but once I’m there, I’m there all the way. Until I have reason to leave.

That’s how I am with friends, my job, and life in general, including, yes, fangirling.

Of course there are instances when the interest wanes but I’d forever respect the artist I used to admire, including Jay Chou even if he hates the media. In fandom lingo, the “feels” may have faded but there will always be remnants left behind. Ask any METEOR GARDEN fan.

Then there are the rare cases when the love turned to hate, when the fan became an anti-fan. I can cite two cases and here are the who, when, where, how and why.

Who: World Star
When: 2005-2006
Where: drama
How: Bought his CDs, went to his home city, watched his concert
Why: It was his peak so the ego was maybe a given but it doesn’t make it any more acceptable. I’m not blind that way. Seeing it first-hand during a press conference was a turn off. Still went to watch the concert, I paid for the row 3 ticket already but it was the first and last. The moment I left the concert venue, I quit as a fan and I never looked back since.

Who: The Titanic OTP
When: 2008-2013
Where: drama
How: Watched their dramas, visited their home city several times in the span of that five years, interviewed them (separately), watched her concert which he also attended that fed my biggest delusion
Why: I woke up to my delusions. Imagine that feeling of waking up to news of them being caught with someone else. And that happened twice. The first, with her and another guy. The second with him and another girl. Both happened too while I was in their city. Imagine the torture. But I was in denial for long, caught up in my own delusions. They’re just hiding, they’re protecting the relationship. Sounds familiar? It was not the broken delusions that turned me into an anti-fan though. It was realizing how they were both shallow persons, and before anyone says I shouldn’t expect depth in the entertainment industry , the very least I expect from artists I support is honesty. White lies, I can probably take and they probably have to make for the sake of their careers. But telling continuous lies–that if they were Pinocchio would have made their noses very long, despite the truth staring everyone in the eye that you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out–that was an insult. Not all fans are stupid. I may have been delusional but I certainly was not stupid. But more importantly, aside from being shallow, I also saw how mediocre they were in their chosen field that even separately, I could not continue supporting them. In the end, there was nothing left of that shipwreck.

Both cases, it was the artist that was the reason why I turned into an anti. Though not the kind of anti that would spread hate on the Internet as if my life revolves around them because it does not. Although when asked for my opinion or when something provokes me, I’m never shy to speak up.

But sometimes, it may not be the artist that could be a reason for turning, not necessarily into an anti, but into a non-fan. It may be the environment. The never-ending fan wars. The fandom intrigues. Trying to co-exist with fans who would do anything to get their idols’ attention or make their delusions come true. It’s sickening just as much as they are sick.

It’s easy to say ignore them. But when they are overstepping boundaries and showing utmost disrespect to the very people they support, it makes one wonder why do we have to put up with this shit. Or why do idols have to be subjected to this kind of behavior. It doesn’t mean because we pay our way to concerts or buy their CDs to make them top the charts, we have every right to be rude. Where is the pride in saying that our $$$ support our idols’ career when all it ever does is to force them into a corner like caged animals scared of public backlash? If anyone is proud of doing that, then there’s something wrong with the screws in the head. Or the way one was taught values in life.

I do realize that fandom is the wrong place to look for values. Unless of course we’re talking about the value of our extensive DVD/CD collection  and official merchandise. And I certainly don’t mean to preach. It’s just frustrating how fandoms, that are supposed to be a happy place like Disneyland, end up being a wasteland.

I want to be a fan till the very end. But I may have just become literally an anti-fan: against certain kind of fans.

I regret nothing.

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