(For humor’s sake)

Dear Ex-Fan,

This is in relation to your letter, “Dear Ex-Idol… Love, Your Ex-Fan” addressed to an unnamed celebrity. I took it upon myself to respond in behalf of my talent, who may or may not be the celebrity  you were referring to, and who I shall not name and shall be called “talent” from hereon.

I will address the different points that you have raised.

As a fan, you should understand that:

– Talent is admired for the looks and not for the brains. Talent has a busy schedule and does not have time to read materials other than scripts or music sheets. Talent does not even read the script all the time but rely on Manager (also known as me) or Assistant to provide the gist of the script and supply the lines during the shoot. Suffice to say, Talent also did not read your very long letter. Talent has a very short attention span and gets bored with even those short labels on products. So don’t expect Talent to do any reading… or thinking.

– Talent has to pay attention to the image. It’s all about marketing. All those photos you see on social media, they are part of that image. Besides, real fans do not mind the photos Talent posts, just look at the number of replies and retweets. Obviously, you are not a real fan.

– Talent is crazy and for once I agree with you. Talent is crazy about the work. It’s all about giving the best to the public, and contrary to what you think, Talent respects the opinion of the public. And I mean, positive opinion only. There is already so much negativity in the world, why add to it or why accept it? That’s why negative opinions are automatically blocked.

– Talent is the victim. I agree with you again. Put yourself in Talent’s shoes and you will understand how difficult it is to be good-looking and live life in a fish bowl. But of course, you will never understand because you are not Talent, nor are you talented, I suspect. That’s why you are reduced to writing angsty letters to those who succeed in this world.

– Talent is not lost. I always make sure that Talent knows the address to appointments and Talent’s house. And I have prepared an illustrated map to the nearest temple or church in case Talent needs to go to one. As for the shrink, she has me.

– Talent is not a liar. You see, when you earn billions and is admired by millions, you carry on your shoulders a huge responsibility. You cannot just say things out on a whim. You have to think of the repercussions. Talent has a family, endorsements, contracts and many people depending for employment, including myself. If Talent becomes irresponsible and loses the fame, will you support Talent’s family? Pay the lawyers and buy the contracts? Employ me? I guess not. So please, next time, be more sensitive with what you write. It is okay to lie sometimes. Some celebrities even lie for a huge part of their lives and still succeed. Two words: Andy Lau. So what karma are you talking about?

But just between you and me… you are lucky that you can quit just like that. I can’t. Aside from being paid well and have the opportunity to travel (and get those freebies that Talent rejects), I revel in the vicarious fame that working for Talent gives me. I will quit though if there is another Talent as clueless as this one but pays more. If you know of someone, let me know.

Sincerely yours,

Manager

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